5 Types of Problem Customers

The Sleaze: A fast-talking, glib, used car salesman type. Ostentatiously sports a Rolex or TAG Heuer (authenticity questionable). If you wear a name tag, will address you by name exceedingly often. Frequently begins sentences with, "Tell you what I'm gonna do..." Reminds you of "how often he comes in here." Makes outrageous requests, such as halving his bill or throwing in an extra GPS system for his inconvenience. May or may not bear a resemblance to an aged Tony Orlando.

The Crotchety Curmudgeon: At least 80. Complains about your own incompetence but cannot swipe his own credit card through the scanner correctly. Swings between disgruntled mutterings to himself and spit-spewing, vein-popping war cries, because he's convinced screaming incites better service. Occasionally guilt trips with his ailments of old age as the transaction progresses ("I need to sit down," "This ain't good for my pacemaker").

Batty Ol' Crone: Female cousin to Crotchety Curmudgeon. May or may not resemble members of the Skeksis race from The Dark Crystal.

Soccer Mom from Hell: Usually flanked by one or two equally incorrigible children and invariably carries some kind of Vera Bradley accessory. Shrill and abrasive. Insists merchandise costs less than it's marked because she claims she "saw it on sale in your catalog." Threatens to leave and will go to your closest competitor if not satisfied. Prone to causing scenes. Histrionics tend to be martyrized ("Forget about me, just go ahead and serve all these other people!") or overdramatic (*crouches down next to 5-year-old son and points around store* "See this place, Hunter? We're never coming here again!").

The Self-Important Deebs: Often times a combination of the aforementioned. Usually the mayor's wife, a local news anchor, wealthy owner of the town's biggest furniture store, or some other hoity-toity pooh-bah of the community. Talks to you like you are a simpleton ("Don't forget to give me my change," "Now it's time for you to place my purchase in this shopping bag"). Asks things like, "Can I start a tab?"



...bear in mind, the vast majority of people I've dealt with in the retail/customer service industries have been pleasant, patient and downright, gosh-darned good folk. But some exist simply to scrape your gums. Aye yai yai. I'm just glad that my first job out of college will be dealing with (hopefully) polite Japanese high schoolers and not loud, expectant Americans.

Oh yeah, I saw WALL-E yesterday afternoon! It was everything I hoped it would be. Robot love stories sure tug on the ol' heartstrings, don't they?